Asking someone when they are going to have kids is the worst possible thing you could say to someone going through infertility. Here’s why.
You don’t really think about it until you’ve experienced it yourself. But after several months of trying to get pregnant, anyone asking you when you are going to have kids feels like a slap in the face.
For someone who is trying everything they can to get pregnant, having someone even casually mention the fact that they need to start their family is enough to start a waterfall of tears. While outside you may be keeping it together, inside you are completely falling apart.
It took us 15 months to get pregnant with out first baby. We tracked my basal body temperature for months, I laid on my back with my hips propped up after trying, we were tested for different problems, and we prayed morning and night for the blessing of a child. In the end, it took a round of Clomid and an IUI for us to finally get pregnant with our little boy 15 months after we started trying. It was one of the hardest things we’ve ever done.
But that’s not something you mention in casual conversation. When someone asks “how are you?” you don’t unload the stress you’ve been feeling for months, or even years, about how much of a roller coaster trying to get pregnant has been.
You worry if something is wrong with you, or you’ve done something wrong and are being punished. You fear that you will never be able to experience pregnancy and holding your own newborn baby in your arms. You cry every time you get your period, and every time you see a baby or a pregnant woman, you have to hurriedly rush away to stop your emotions from getting the best of you.
Put yourself in that woman’s shoes. Imagine someone comes up to you and after talking for a while, they ask you when you are going to start your family. They tell you that you should start soon because you’ve been married for a while. You know that they are judging you for something you have no control of. But you can’t tell them about the battle you’ve been having with your own body because if you try you are just going to break down. So you try and be casual and brush it off with a “oh, I don’t know, we’ll see,” and then try to quickly change the conversation.
Are you the person that is asking something they shouldn’t? Are you the one judging people for not having kids?
You are not the one who decides when someone should have kids. Having children is such a personal decision. It is between a man and a woman, and nobody else can tell them when they should start their family. There could be other things going on in their lives that you have no idea about that might make having a child impossible at the moment. Everyone is dealing with trials, and most of the time, they are far more difficult than the ones you are going through.
When we were trying to have a baby, I was an emotional wreck. It felt like I was bipolar because I would get so much hope every time I would ovulate and then for two weeks I would be excited and optimistic and then reality would hit with my period each month and I would be miserable for two more weeks. And then it all started over again. Month after month.
So please, I am begging you, stop asking other women when they are going to have kids. Stop judging them for having a job instead of having kids, or traveling instead of having kids. Stop judging each other for things you know nothing about. Because while you might think someone has their priorities mixed up, they might be going through the biggest struggle of their lives, or maybe they aren’t and they just aren’t ready for kids. Either way, it’s not your decision, and you have no place to push them.
The point is, never ask someone when they are going to have kids. Because to someone struggling with infertility, that is the worst possible question you could ask.
Jessica Dimas says
YES!!!! I never thought of this before I began trying for a baby, and when you’re trying for one and you aren’t getting a positive, it’s TORTURE when someone asks when you’re going to have kids. I was very emotional too after each negative and it didn’t even take me very long compared to other couples. What a great aspect to point out, I really don’t think people consider these things before asking.
Chelsea Johnson says
I know! People just don’t realize it, but we need to spread the word not to talk about it! And it’s hard because most people don’t talk about infertility, so they just don’t know how hard it is for people trying to have a baby!
Kara says
Thank you for sharing my thoughts exactly. Hitting the 10 month mark of trying to conceive and being married 18 months I feel like people keep asking me over and over again. My heart breaks each month, I feel broken, and frustrated. Having a husband in a very active military job with several trainings only makes it feel more impossible, but the slap in the face even when people aren’t trying definitely cuts to the bone some days.
Chelsea Johnson says
It’s so hard. Keep trying. And know that so many women are going through the same thing. I felt so alone going through it, and you really don’t have to! I just wish people were more aware of how common infertility is so they could be more sensitive!
Emily Swaney says
Love this! Well said. I’m struggling with having another and the words.. He needs a sister or brother rattle my brain!
Chelsea Johnson says
That is awful! I am so sorry. People really don’t know how hurtful simple comments like that can be to someone who is already trying. And I don’t think people realize that just because you had a baby once doesn’t mean it will be easy the second time.
Katie says
This is something I wish more people would understand – it’s none of their business! We’ve never struggled with infertility, but I know so many who have, and to feel judged for not having children when someone else thinks you should is hard. We waited awhile to get pregnant with this second baby, and even right after Jack was born, we started getting remarks about when we’d have our next. When that distance started getting greater, the comments made me feel guilty – like I wasn’t being a good mom having my kids really close together! Regardless of the situation, it’s just not appropriate to ask. It’s such a personal thing – whether someone is struggling to get pregnant or not.
Chelsea Johnson says
I 100% agree. It’s nobody’s decision but yours, and even just asking when you are going to have one (or another) is something we need to try and discourage. It’s hurtful and people don’t realize it. Thanks, Katie!
Julia K says
As a traveler I get it as my second or third question when I meet people or talk to my family. It is so hard not to slap them back with something like: “Mind your own busines!” Or “leave me alone!” . It is so personal for everyone and I do not understand that urge for people wishing other people to get pregnant or have children. Why??? Why is it anyone’s business? I have a family reunion coming up and might have a meltdown because I am fed up with their hints, creative questions, and suggestions.
Julia K says
Is there a creative way to put people on their place without being rude? I want them to stop asking and for them to realize that it is not ok to comment on stuff like that. Any suggestions would be appreciated since I am not a diplomatic type and completely out of ideas.
Chelsea Johnson says
Thanks for the comments, Julia! I think the most important thing we can do to stop people from asking this question is to share messages like this. Maybe post it to your Facebook so your family can see, or even casually bring it up in a conversation. Maybe try getting one of your other close family members to tell the ones who are asking you to stop it. If you’re brave enough to say it yourself, then go for it. There are several ways to share the message, it just depends on your preference!
Matt says
Couldn’t agree more with this… If people could stop asking the men too, that’d be just awesome *wink*
Chelsea Johnson says
Thank you! Yes! Just because you’re a man doesn’t mean it might not hurt to hear that question, too!
Kristian says
I tried on and off for close to 6 years. Every time I went to the doctor and had tests done, something always came up. My brother was terminally from muscular Dystrophy and at 19 he passed away recently. I said all of that because he was the reason I wanted children so badly. I knew 7 years ago when I got married that I wanted him to see his nieces or nephews and it didn’t happen. Right after he passed people were saying I would get pregnant now that he’s gone. Like that would make everything better? I’ve given up on the dream of having children. I’m picking up the pieces and trying to find a new dream.it really hurts when people ask me now when I’m having kids.
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m so sorry, that is awful. People say things they definitely shouldn’t. I hope you find a new dream 🙂
Ruth says
I think this is one area where being a member of the Church can really suck. We were married for two years before we got to the point where you typically start telling people about a pregnancy. I can remember the most hurtful thing anyone ever said to me was ‘you’ve been married for more than a year now and you don’t have kids. Don’t you think you should have some, or you’ll be a really bad member’ or something to that effect. I was recovering from a miscarriage at the time.
Chelsea Johnson says
Oh wow, I’m so sorry you had to go through that! People really just don’t think. Infertility isn’t talked about as much as it needs to be, especially because it’s so common. People have no idea how many people experience miscarriages, and they have no right to judge people even if someone just decides not to have kids yet!
Stephanie says
This is EVERYTHING I feel. You expressed EXACTLY how I feel every month. We have been trying for 14 months and I feel this exact way. I am excited and hopeful and then I get my period and I cry and feel like I will never know what it is to be pregnant. Then I go through a “I will be ok phase” then I get another chance to try and the cycle starts over. Its nice to know Im not alone. Thank you for writing this.
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m so sorry, Stephanie! It really is such a hard, difficult thing to go through. I hope you’re able to stay positive and grow your family soon!