Why I don’t tell people I’m pregnant until the second trimester. It’s a personal decision, but here’s something you should really consider!
My most popular post is “14 Things to Do When You Find Out You Are Pregnant.” It has almost 1 million pageviews since I wrote it a year ago, and I have gotten a lot of great feedback from it.
But one thing that has bothered me is that while I have gotten a lot of comments from people saying how helpful it was for them, I’ve also gotten a lot of people attacking the first thing I suggest.
“1. Don’t tell people until you are past the first trimester. I think family is okay to tell, but it can be smart not to tell the whole world until after the first trimester is over. I know it can be incredibly hard not to tell your friends as soon as you find out you are pregnant, but try not to post it to Facebook just yet. One of my biggest fears is having to go back and tell people that something has happened and you have had a miscarriage. The baby is most vulnerable during the first 12 weeks you are pregnant, and after the first trimester, the chance of a miscarriage drops dramatically (down to 10% of all known pregnancies). So just to be safe, try your hardest to wait until you are 13 weeks pregnant before you spread the glorious news.”
That is all. And for some reason, people pounced on that. I actually had to include a note at the beginning of the post. It says “This is my opinion on what you should do when you find out you are pregnant. It is how I feel, and I feel strongly about it. I know others will either agree or disagree, and that is fine, but it doesn’t change my experiences or my thoughts. So please be courteous about what you comment about.”
Despite that little disclaimer, I still get people all the time making rude comments about how I am wrong. So I thought it was finally time I explained myself. I want to tell you why I don’t tell people I’m pregnant until the second trimester.
With both of my pregnancies, we have told our families that we were pregnant before the second trimester. We told our families we were pregnant the first time right after we had it confirmed by the doctor, and our families the second time when I was 8 weeks pregnant. But we didn’t announce either pregnancy to everyone else until I was in the second trimester.
I think it’s totally fine to tell your family and close friends. It’s super hard not to share your exciting news with someone! The thing I recommend avoiding is posting to Facebook or Instagram that you are pregnant before the second trimester.
Like I said in my post, the chance of having a miscarriage drops from up to 25% to 10% when you hit the second trimester. It’s still possible to have a miscarriage, but because the chances are lower, I think 13 weeks is a better time to announce your pregnancy to the world.
I am going to assume that most people have friends and followers on social media that they maybe met once or twice, but probably won’t ever see again. They probably are friends with people from high school that they haven’t spoken to since graduation. That’s a pretty common thing. The problem that I personally have with announcing your pregnancy before the second trimester is that if something does happen, you then have to go back and tell everyone that you lost the baby.
I would SO much rather just tell my family and close friends because that is where my support system lies. Not in my Facebook friends I never talk to, and not in my Instagram followers. My family and close friends are the ones I want by my side in the event of a miscarriage, and I don’t want random people telling me they are so sorry for me through an online message or comment.
I think it’s completely fine if you want to mourn the loss of your baby publicly. It’s not shameful to have a miscarriage, because they are very common. I am not trying to say that we need to hide miscarriages, but if it was me, I would hate to have to tell people over and over again that I lost the baby.
Yes, you can lose your baby at any time. You might be in that horrible 10% of women who lose their baby after the first trimester. And that sucks.
The decision of when to tell people you are pregnant is personal, and it is different for everyone. But this is my blog, and I am going to share my advice and my opinion on it, even if people disagree. Because I really do think that when you find out you are pregnant, it’s one of the first things you need to decide. And personally, I would wait until after the first trimester.
Courtney says
I know this blog post is a bit older but I stumbled upon it. I could not agree more. I’ve had 4 miscarriages and I know personally if I had shouted it from the rooftops I would’ve been embarrassed and felt even worse if I had to again shout that my baby was dead. I wish I had told my mom sooner the first pregnancy because I called her crying after noticing blood and I was scared. I wish she could’ve enjoyed it some before that. I am now pregnant again and I’m choosing to wait until almost 17 weeks because that’s when I will feel comfortable. I have told some family members, not others; that was intentional. I plan to make a cute announcement on Valentines Day that will also (after much back and forth deliberation) honor my babies in heaven. I have been very open with my losses after the fact; sometimes months after when I’ve had time to gain some composure and I’m no longer crying in bed all day every day. I appreciate your opinion and have read like seven other blog posts since finding your site less than 30 min ago lol… thanks for posting
Chelsea Johnson says
Thanks for sharing, Courtney. I’m so sorry for your losses. You should never be embarrassed by a miscarriage, because they really are so common. It’s definitely okay not to want to share them with people until you’re ready, though! I hope everything with this pregnancy goes perfectly! Congrats!
Melissa says
You know why I disagree? Because I have lost four babies, two after the ‘safe period’. There is no such thing as a ‘safe period’. And, honestly, I needed friends and family and coworkers and teachers are mg son’s school and everyone in my life to know. I am not ashamed of it. I am a mom of four Angels. And some of my mom moments from each were beautiful. And their births were special. And I have photos to share. And I needed people to know their names and be a little gentle with my husband and I needed to know that all of my women friends knew they could talk to me if it happened to their babies.
Chelsea Johnson says
That’s totally fine that you disagree. I’m so sorry you lost so many sweet babies. Everyone is different and some people are okay grieving publicly. I personally would only want the people closest to me to know, at least until I was in a place where I was ready to share with everyone else. You absolutely should not be ashamed, and I am so glad that you have been able to make yourself available to any other friends if they go through the same thing. Thanks for sharing.
L. says
I know it has been a long time since the original post but I just found it. Anyway, me and my BF only told about our pregnancy to one friend quite immediately (there was just this moment and we felt like we had to share the news with someone). We did not tell the news to our parents before the 13th week and currently it is the 17th week. We have only told 5 other people (one of my grannies and then also to 4 friends) and have asked everyone to keep it a secret. I don’t know why… It feels better this way. I’m guessing I have about a month to hide it, my belly is slowly starting to grow… I feel like some people are already suspicious but let them be… They are going to find out eventually anyway 🙂 It would be awesome to be able to hide it up until the 30th week or so, but that sounds impossible…
Chelsea Johnson says
The 30th week!? If you manage that I’d love to hear how you did it! Congrats, girl!!!
Cat says
Sorry, not sorry, but I disagree. I lost my second baby at 19 weeks. I got a lot of support from family and friends, which helped me to cope easier. Yes, I’d bump into people in public and they’d ask me about my pregnancy and it was a bit awkward but miscarriages happen. 3 months after my miscarriage I became pregnant again and am now 11 weeks. I have shared with quite a few people, although, not on Facebook. We are ecstatic and want others to share in on our excitement. If I have another miscarriage it will be nice to have that support again rather than hiding it and grieving all on my own. I can’t tell you enough how nice it was to have that support. Sharing should be up to the couple, rather than what is considered “the norm” at 13 weeks. Just some thoughts from a momma who had a late term miscarriage and is hoping her rainbow baby survives this time around.
Chelsea Johnson says
Thank you for sharing, Cat. I’m so sorry you lost a baby. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. I appreciate you sharing your story so other people can make their own decisions about when to share their news!
Elle says
Some of these comments are truly unbelievable. This is a personal decision and no one should feel some sort of societal obligation to share a miscarriage with the world. I am currently VERY early in my first pregnancy and the only people who know are my parents and two best friends, and I imagine it staying that way for a while. This is because I know myself and I know that if the pregnancy didn’t last, the idea of people feeling sorry for me and future pregnancies seeming “bittersweet” would make a tough time that much worse. Also, people often view miscarriages differently. My husband has a cousin who actually named her miscarriage and refers to herself as a mother of three rather than two. I’ve heard of people holding funerals for miscarriages. That just isn’t me and that kind of treatment from others would, again, make a tough time worse. The bottom line is your body = your news to share or not share. I’ve had many friends not even do pregnancy announcements on social media.
Chelsea Johnson says
YUP! I am the same way you are, which is why I included this tip in my original post anyway. Thanks for sharing, and good luck with your pregnancy!
Heidi Rodriguez says
Completely agree. First pregnancy I announced at 12 weeks to family and at 20 weeks on social media. Now I am 21 weeks with second pregnancy, my family found out at 12 weeks just like before and I plan to announce on social media when baby is born. I just feel like a ton of people don’t really care or have my best interest at heart. And the few who do already know.
Chelsea Johnson says
You definitely have to know yourself and those around you. I’m glad you are happy with the decision you’ve made! Thanks for sharing!
Leesa King says
I totally agree my youngest got pregnant I was so happy I told everyone I talked to and it ended up being a tubal pregnancy my heart was broken and I had to go back and tell everyone I was not getting my much wanted grand babynow my oldest daughter is 16 weeks and we waited this time around I’m so very excited I’m getting a grand baby finally
Chelsea Johnson says
Congratulations! I’m sorry you guys had to go through that, though!
Confuzzled Bev says
I waited until 13 weeks before going public (immediate family and very close friends knew before that) only to lose my twins a week ago at 16 weeks and 4 days. I couldn’t really have waited much longer to tell work though as I would have been showing. If I ever manage to get pregnant again we will probably wait as long as possible to tell people. Everyone has been absolutely amazing though.
Chelsea Johnson says
Oh Bev, I’m so, so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard that must be. I’m glad that you have a good support system in place to help you heal!
grateful says
Can’t agree more with this. I am an Orthodox Jew and we don’t share with anyone (you can tell your mom) until after the 3rd trimester and don’t share with everyone until we come into the fifth month. I unfortunately learned right away why this is also good for the mommy-to-be. I got pregnant on my wedding night and was so excited and shocked but had bleeding from the beginning and then miscarried at 8.5 weeks. It was a traumatic and exhausting time and we had just gotten a positive ultrasound the night before despite heavy bleeding so we were quite distraught. I can’t imagine how I would have coped if I had people who I am close to who don’t see me regularly asking “So how’s the pregnancy?” If I had had to tell each of them, “well actually we had a miscarriage.” I couldn’t stop crying, I was having such a hard and painful time. Because no one knew, I had the support of my family and of a few people in my community I chose to tell about the miscarriage but everything was on my terms. I could go out to spend time with friends and know if I didn’t want to think about it, no one would bring it up. IT was a precious privacy I had created for myself to grieve in my own way.
Look, everyone can do what they think is right in terms of ‘announcing.’ I just think it pays to exercise a little caution and think of how you like to celebrate (or G-d forbid the opposite) and if it makes sense to share yet.
Chelsea Johnson says
Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry for your loss! I hope your story helps others make an informed decision!
good point says
Good point on keeping it quiet, nobody has to know anything. And good reasoning too, its also a custom in Judaism to keep it quiet from the public till the fifth month for the same reason, as grateful pointed out.
https://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/484409/jewish/Are-There-Jewish-Customs-for-Pregnancy-and-Birth.htm
Chelsea Johnson says
Thanks for sharing! I had no idea!
Stacy says
I don’t even tell family until 13 weeks. If I have a miscarriage I don’t want my in-laws ever knowing because they have no boundaries or filter and would end up making me feel a million times worse. Thankfully my husband respects my decision on this matter.
Chelsea Johnson says
Glad you know what is best for you!
Bekah says
I agree with you. We lost our first at 11 weeks. I had only told our families a few weeks before (when we got our first ultrasound pictures). It was a hard loss. So, With our second, we told family immediately, and we waited to announce it to everyone else after 14 weeks. The only reason more people know about this one was because I thought I was miscarrying in the classroom, and I needed to go home. My VP informed others at school. Thankfully, baby is still here. We are waiting to share with FB and church friends til 14 weeks.
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m so sorry you lost your first. I can’t even imagine. Congrats on your second! And thank you for sharing!
Dana says
Being married to an overly-cautious family doctor who understands all that can go wrong, we always wait until the 2nd trimester to tell anyone (including family, except our children) that we are pregnant. With our last, we waited until 13 weeks to go public with an Instagram announcement. 3 weeks later, at a routine dr appt we found out we had lost the baby. We lost him sometime during week 14. While word quickly spread about us losing him, not everyone had heard. It was so scary going anywhere where I could possibly run into someone I knew & get congratulated on the baby, only to break down crying and explain we’d lost him (this did happen a handful of times).
So that is why we wait. While we were in the very few who experience (unexplained) miscarriage in the 2nd trimester, we have decided to wait even longer to announce any future pregnancies. For me personally, it is easier to share good news than the bad (though I also do not think anyone should suffer alone – if you suffer a loss & no one knew you were pregnant, please reach out and get emotional support. It is so very much needed)
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m so sorry, Dana. That’s awful. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you the best!
Jadie says
I was concerned about a miscarriage my first pregnancy,so we waited to tell people, but my second one I had it in my mind that since our first pregnancy went well that we didn’t have to worry as much about miscarriage, so we told people and announced on social media at 8 weeks. When we went back for our 12 week ultrasound we found out we lost the baby. I don’t regret telling people. I don’t want my sweet baby I lost to be a secret, but it has been difficult. I still get asked when we are due and things like that. Some days it is easy to tell them while other days I decide not to share what happened. We decided not to announce our loss on Facebook. Those who know us personally already know and I don’t feel the need to tell those who I dont know well or haven’t talk to in years. While I do not regret that people knew early, I think next time we will wait til the second trimester at least.
Chelsea Johnson says
It’s such a personal decision, and definitely a hard one to make. I’m so sorry that happened. I can’t even imagine the pain of losing a baby. Thank you for sharing!
Darya says
I also have a sad story. My first pregnancy was great. With my second i wanted to wait until my first ultrasound but I had to tell people at work. They were repainting all offices and ended up moving me to another building for a few weeks. My husband told his mom but asked her to keep it a secret until our first ultrasound. Of, course she did not. Well, at the first ultrasound we found out i had an unsuccessful pregnancy. A few months later i got pregnant again, first ultrasound was fine, so we told many people. I wanted to wait until we put it on facebook and good thing we did. The second ultrasound brought bad news. 🙁 Now, we are trying again and I told my husband that we will wait probably until well into my hopefully successful second trimester. I will not even tell his mom.
amomfromaforeignland.com
Chelsea Johnson says
Darya, I’m so sorry. That sounds so hard. I can’t even imagine. I hope this time it works out! Glad you’ve figured out what’s best for you!