Why I don’t tell people I’m pregnant until the second trimester. It’s a personal decision, but here’s something you should really consider!
My most popular post is “14 Things to Do When You Find Out You Are Pregnant.” It has almost 1 million pageviews since I wrote it a year ago, and I have gotten a lot of great feedback from it.
But one thing that has bothered me is that while I have gotten a lot of comments from people saying how helpful it was for them, I’ve also gotten a lot of people attacking the first thing I suggest.
“1. Don’t tell people until you are past the first trimester. I think family is okay to tell, but it can be smart not to tell the whole world until after the first trimester is over. I know it can be incredibly hard not to tell your friends as soon as you find out you are pregnant, but try not to post it to Facebook just yet. One of my biggest fears is having to go back and tell people that something has happened and you have had a miscarriage. The baby is most vulnerable during the first 12 weeks you are pregnant, and after the first trimester, the chance of a miscarriage drops dramatically (down to 10% of all known pregnancies). So just to be safe, try your hardest to wait until you are 13 weeks pregnant before you spread the glorious news.”
That is all. And for some reason, people pounced on that. I actually had to include a note at the beginning of the post. It says “This is my opinion on what you should do when you find out you are pregnant. It is how I feel, and I feel strongly about it. I know others will either agree or disagree, and that is fine, but it doesn’t change my experiences or my thoughts. So please be courteous about what you comment about.”
Despite that little disclaimer, I still get people all the time making rude comments about how I am wrong. So I thought it was finally time I explained myself. I want to tell you why I don’t tell people I’m pregnant until the second trimester.
With both of my pregnancies, we have told our families that we were pregnant before the second trimester. We told our families we were pregnant the first time right after we had it confirmed by the doctor, and our families the second time when I was 8 weeks pregnant. But we didn’t announce either pregnancy to everyone else until I was in the second trimester.
I think it’s totally fine to tell your family and close friends. It’s super hard not to share your exciting news with someone! The thing I recommend avoiding is posting to Facebook or Instagram that you are pregnant before the second trimester.
Like I said in my post, the chance of having a miscarriage drops from up to 25% to 10% when you hit the second trimester. It’s still possible to have a miscarriage, but because the chances are lower, I think 13 weeks is a better time to announce your pregnancy to the world.
I am going to assume that most people have friends and followers on social media that they maybe met once or twice, but probably won’t ever see again. They probably are friends with people from high school that they haven’t spoken to since graduation. That’s a pretty common thing. The problem that I personally have with announcing your pregnancy before the second trimester is that if something does happen, you then have to go back and tell everyone that you lost the baby.
I would SO much rather just tell my family and close friends because that is where my support system lies. Not in my Facebook friends I never talk to, and not in my Instagram followers. My family and close friends are the ones I want by my side in the event of a miscarriage, and I don’t want random people telling me they are so sorry for me through an online message or comment.
I think it’s completely fine if you want to mourn the loss of your baby publicly. It’s not shameful to have a miscarriage, because they are very common. I am not trying to say that we need to hide miscarriages, but if it was me, I would hate to have to tell people over and over again that I lost the baby.
Yes, you can lose your baby at any time. You might be in that horrible 10% of women who lose their baby after the first trimester. And that sucks.
The decision of when to tell people you are pregnant is personal, and it is different for everyone. But this is my blog, and I am going to share my advice and my opinion on it, even if people disagree. Because I really do think that when you find out you are pregnant, it’s one of the first things you need to decide. And personally, I would wait until after the first trimester.
R says
I wish I had read this post first time I was pregnant. I was so thrilled I told anyone and everyone. I don’t actually have a social media website but word of mouth spreads fast. Everyone was super excited including myself and my husband. Unfortunately God had a different plan and we miscarried. Not only was the pain the worst pain of my life emotionally but every time I had to tell someone I miscarried (bad news like that doesn’t spread so fast by word of mouth) I had to relive the pain over and over again. Yes, I was thrilled to share the good news with everyone but the thing with bad news is only a few close friends and family truly know how to comfort you. Everyone else told me oh it’s okay you’re young you’ll have more. Clearly I’m well aware of that but it didn’t take away the heart ache it just seemed to make it worse. I compared their callous comments to the what if…. What if someone had their child kidnapped and I so callously said oh well that’s okay you have more kids at home. Yes many people can sympathize but only few really know what it feels like. To already dream a life for something inside of you and then lose that life and dream. We’re women we can’t help but get carried away even early on. I am happy to say I am pregnant again and while the little girl inside of me wants to scream with joy to everyone, the woman in me is waiting. I told only family. No friends. My faith, my husband and my family are the only support system I need. We are delighted to be pregnant and so grateful to be pregnant. Cherishing every second. Once I enter the second trimester and am mostly in the clear I can’t wait to share it with the rest of everyone.
I agree with you it is everyone’s choice but as for myself a year and a half later still having run into people that hadn’t heard the bad news. It’s a situation I wouldn’t put myself in so easily again. It’s a lot of salt in an open wound.
Chelsea Johnson says
First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope baby is healthy and everything goes perfect for you. Second, thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry you had to go through that but thank you for sharing so other women can read it and make the best decision for them.
Paula L. says
I will say it depends on the woman. My first pregnancy my husband and I hadn’t told anyone we were pregnant and we miscarried. We then told our close family. For weeks I struggled with the loss and I felt so alone. Finally I decided to post it on Facebook and to me it was healing. I wasn’t hiding it and dealing with it on my own anymore I was actually mourning the loss of my child the same as I would do if it had been born. I decided that I would tell the next time in my own time(3months later we were pregnant again) we told family at different times with our 2nd and announced at 11 weeks we were pregnant for the 2nd time on Facebook. We are now pregnant for the 3rd time we told family right after we found out and I’m actually going to announce today at 11½ weeks on Facebook.
Chelsea Johnson says
It definitely does depend on the woman. I think it’s different announcing you are pregnant and then miscarrying compared to miscarrying and then announcing. I think that is a better way to do it because it is on your terms and you can do it when you are ready. I am sorry you had to go through that! Thanks for sharing!
Emily says
I think it’s weird that people care either way. I’m a fan of telling people when ever the heck you want. I had one pregnancy lead to miscarriage at 13 weeks but we told everyone we were pregnant at 6 weeks when we found out. It didn’t bother me to tell people that we were pregnant then later tell them i miscarried it’s a part of life, s**** happens! Was it sad yes but did my world end? NO! I moved on! Too bad this that one didn’t work out luckily my next one did. Personally having my friends and families support from 6-13 weeks when I was dying of morning sickness was worth telling them that I was pregnant! I would do it again and again!
Chelsea Johnson says
Well everyone is different. It’s great that you were able to move on and that you felt supported by the people you told. But for some people, getting over it is a lot harder.
Randi says
I totally get where you’re coming from with this article – I read it a few months ago when I first found out I was pregnant and agreed wholeheartedly. We waited until we were 12 weeks along before announcing to family and friends (not on social media, however). The excitement continued to build as we were able to hear our son’s heartbeat. We fluttered around our potential nursery and began to make plans for our home. I gave my notice for maternity leave at work. We started making jokes about grandparents with our parents.
We went in for our second appointment about a week after I had started stocking up on cute little onesies and baby items. The doctor asked the routine questions, and I responded that I had been feeling fine and everything seemed to be going smoothly. At the end of the appointment, I lay down and she began to search for the heartbeat. After four or five SLOW, SLOW minutes, she said Baby must have been hiding, but everything was probably fine. She would book an appointment for an ultrasound the next day and she was sure they would find a heartbeat then.
We went; they didn’t.
We were devastated. We drove around in our car for hours, sometimes sobbing, sometimes praying, sometimes texting those closest to us about the news. It was painful. Beyond painful.
We holed up in our house for the next few days. I was afraid to go out and risk running into someone who did not yet know. Our close friends brought meals, flowers and condolences. I let my parents spread the word to those they were connected to so I didn’t have to.
Eventually, the news spread enough that our church found out, and soon people I barely knew began bringing meals and flowers and cards. Often they would just drop them off and not say much… but there was definitely those that – for whatever reason – felt the need to give advice and say things, hurtful things. And that was SO HARD.
We waited for two weeks to give birth naturally. Finally, I went into the hospital and labour was induced. Our son was born, and whether it was the morphine or the hormones, I was deliriously overjoyed. For the very first time, I knew I was a mother. I knew that the tiny, 15-week-old baby that I held in my palm was my son. And I knew that I wanted everyone I ever knew or will know that I had a son and his name is Emerson.
Although I had never announced my pregnancy on Facebook, I announced his birth. I posted pictures of the handprints and footprints they gave us, and shared his name and his birthday. Because he is my child. And no matter whether he was born at 6 weeks or 15 weeks, he is my child and I am his mother.
So I am the other side of the coin to your argument. I’m not saying you’re wrong – I’m just giving the other side. YES, it is still incredibly painful to have strangers ask about my pregnancy in the grocery store. I regularly start crying as I tell the story of my son who we lost too soon. But in my situation, I feel that to not tell anyone about my next pregnancy and my next baby would deny my child their “existence” in the public world. I believe in life from conception, and the pain that I feel in remembering my son reminds me that I am his mother. And I know that being a mother is FULL of pain, but also OVERFLOWING with more joy than I have yet experienced in life. And I know that that pain and that joy begins from the moment my baby is conceived, and so my grieving will include sharing what I’ve experienced with others, so that a mother who has lost her child will not feel alone.
I want to love and support anyone who has had to go through such a terrible, gut-wrenching loss, and I strongly believe that silence breeds isolation. Yes, this is my opinion. No, you may not agree. But I am not ashamed that my baby died in my womb. It was NOT. MY. FAULT. and I will celebrate EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. of EVERY. SINGLE. CHILD. that I am blessed to carry – no matter how long that may be.
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m sorry you had to go through that, but thank you so much for sharing your story. It will definitely help other women who are going through the same thing. You shouldn’t be ashamed, it was definitely not your fault, and you should absolutely celebrate all of your children.
Emily says
I didn’t want to tell anyone until the second trimester during our first pregnancy but my husband wanted to tell everyone. We compromised and told family, parents and siblings, after our first ultrasound at nine weeks. His sister-in-law took it upon herself to post on FB that she was so excited that she was going to be an aunt. AND TAGGED US IN IT! I was furious and cried for an entire day because she took away from us being able to announce to friends and because we both work in the public sector and didn’t want the public to know as we are both very private people with our personal lives. Then the really bad part. A miscarriage. I called her and told her that she had two options. She could either post on FB that she had made a big mistake in telling everyone the news and that now she had to tell everyone that we did in fact lose the pregnancy and that we were asking everyone to please respect our privacy and not to contact us as we dealt with the lose as she was the only reason that we were having to publicly announce it. Wording was a little different but that was the basis. Other option, to never speak to either of us again. She at first refused to post it online until her husband told her that if she didn’t he would. We still received many condolences from people and mostly people that we really didn’t know. Nice sentiment but we really weren’t able to deal with the public right then. We had tried for 2 years and now lost a baby, we didn’t want condolences, we wanted to scream. To this day I hardly speak to her at family functions. I know that might sound petty but she took a lot from my husband and I and I have not been able to fully forgive her.
Chelsea Johnson says
Yikes! That is an awful story! I am so sorry!!!
Annoynous says
With my second baby, we didn’t tell anyone (including family) until 10 weeks when we told our 3.5 year old and family at Christmas. At 12 weeks, I announced it at work bc I felt they needed to know why I was deathly sick every day. That afternoon, I started cramping and bleeding. While I was concerned and worried about the baby, I was most upset about what we would tell our toddler, who had never experienced a loss before. Baby was fine, but there was a uterine tear. We were told the only guarantee was to make it to 25 weeks with a lot of monitoring. I didn’t announce on social media until 25 weeks because of that fear. I would have shared my miscarriage story if I had lost the pregnancy, but even talking about the waiting game with people who knew was stressful. I’m glad I didn’t have to explain it to extended friends repeatedly. We were blessed with a full-term baby girl almost 1 year ago!
Chelsea Johnson says
Wow, thank you for your story! I am so glad you were blessed with a healthy baby! It’s so scary having to go through anything where your baby might be in danger. I’m glad you had a happy ending!
Sarah says
I completely agree and that’s what I did with both my pregnancies. We didn’t share the news until the end of the first trimester with my second and almost until the end of my second trimester with my first as I barely showed. Although, thankfully I have never suffered a miscarriage I would be devastated to have to be reminded constantly if everyone knew. Well I find myself 6 weeks pregnant now and I’m hoping I make it to the end of my first trimester before my belly announces itself to the world. Wish me luck ! 🙂
Chelsea Johnson says
Congrats!!! And thanks for sharing your story!
Liz says
For my very first pregnancy we only told immediately family and I am very thankful because it turned out I miscarried (apparently within the first few days, but my body continued on with the pregnancy so we didn’t find out until the 8 week ultrasound).
For me personally, it was extremely helpful not to be constantly reminded of our loss. I could go to work or see friends without sympathies. If I needed to cry, I had the family that did know.
A good way, I think, for women to determine who they should tell they are pregnant in that first trimester is to think about who they would want to know they miscarried. I’m much more of a private person so, including my husband, this is only 6 people. But for women who are more open this group would be larger.
Chelsea Johnson says
Yes, that is a great point! I’m so sorry you had to go through that experience, but thank you for sharing!
K says
I agree with you, Chelsea. With my first pregnancy I didn’t tell anyone but my husband and my boss (so she would understand if I needed to go home sick some days). I didn’t even tell my mom and sister, whom I’m extremely close to. I felt like they would take the news (if I miscarried) too hard and feel all stressed out for me. Then I would be too worried about their feelings instead of my own. I really hate getting a lot of attention or having people all worried about me. I did end up miscarrying and I’m really glad my husband and I were able to just deal with it in our own way without twenty questions from other people or having it be brought up over and over again.
Also, I know this sounds crazy to some people, but I knew the risks of early miscarriage well before getting pregnant. I made it a point not to get too attached or put all my hopes and dreams on the line. (I am very pro-life and feel every baby needs to be celebrated, but it is absolutely confusing me to me that some people think their baby won’t “matter” or “count” as much unless they tell fifty people about it. Isn’t it being loved and wanted by its parents good enough?) That made it much easier for me to grieve the loss on my own, knowing miscarriage was a very real possibility. Finally, I think if other people knew about my loss, I would worry that they would judge me if I didn’t grieve “long enough” or act sad all the time.
Chelsea Johnson says
Thank you so much for sharing your story, K. I’m so sorry you had to go through that but I’m glad you were able to do it the way you were most comfortable.
Maree says
So it’s been quite a while since you wrote this and I am currently expecting my fourth child but it’s my sixth pregnancy. But a little story from me, when I was pregnant the very first time, I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks. It’s was horrible when people would ask how the pregnancy was going after I had lost the baby. I then went on to have a little boy. After that, I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks and had another 2 boys after that. So here I am, waiting. Waiting because I know those those raw feelings. I never deny I had them and openly talk about it with people when we are on the topic, but to be getting asked questions while you are grieving from well meaning people was not something I want to deal with. I have those close to us who know, and if anything happens they are my support group.
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m so sorry you had to go through that! I’m glad you had a small support group of people you trusted 🙂
Ashleigh says
I totally respect your opinion, and I feel the same. I think I take it to an extreme, though. With my first pregnancy, I lost my daughter at 39 weeks 1 day. Imagine…having to tell everyone that has watched this entire pregnancy unfold that you’re not bringing a baby home at the end/ To say it was awful is a total understatement. Second time around, we were very hush hush about everything. We did not have a baby shower until after she was born. We wanted to know that we would be bringing a baby home for sure this time. Third time around now, and I’m 10 weeks. No one knows except my husband and myself. I think I may just wait until I start showing and let people guess it themselves!
Chelsea Johnson says
That is horrible, I’m so sorry you had to go through that! Thank you for sharing your story and your insight! And congrats on this new baby!
Katie says
I also agree with waiting. I told my family, but not my friends. And even then it was only immediate family, not extended family. I would never post it on social media until I had told everyone I needed to tell in person. And for simply this reason: It is far to easy for my employer to see what I post online. It is incredibly inappropriate for my employer to find out from an online post before I formally notify them. And I am NOT going to notify them until the chance of miscarriage is lower. Heck, I’d ideally wait to notify them until I was 4 months pregnant, if I wasn’t showing. I waited until I was 18 weeks with this baby (my first so if I was showing, it was easy to hide). It’s for simple reasons like being passed over for opportunities that I’d really like to be offered. I work for a good employer and yet I just found out I was passed over for a training course BECAUSE I was pregnant. I found out yesterday. FYI I’m 31 weeks. So even the “best” employers do crappy stuff. I don’t want to deal with that crap any longer than I have to. So the more private my pregnancies, the better.
Chelsea Johnson says
That really sucks they discriminated against you for being pregnant. You’d think that in 2017 that wouldn’t be a problem. Congrats on your pregnancy and I hope delivery goes well for you!
Amber says
Along with katie”s comment of telling people you want to in person. And finding an appropriate time to announce to u our employers (some discriminate just on the basis of knowing you are starting, or geowing, a family whether or not you lose your pregnancy).
It’s just that much more fun to do pregnancy announcements when you have a little bump showing for pics! Plus, it gives you something to look forward to when your best friends have been saltines and the edge of your toilet.
Please don’t take my comment as insensitive. We are on our 4th pregnancy with 1 child, so I know how painful are lost pregnancy is. But I find that as the perfect response to people asking me why we wait so long to announce, because I’d rather not deal with telling people about the ones we’ve lost, or “yeah, actually I am scared each and every time I’m pregnant, WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT?” Every person you know, and a he’ll of a lot that you don’t, has tons of advice and opinions about pregnancies. You’ll hear enough (most likely more) of them without that adding to the stress. It helps when you are past your personal worries, and usually feel better, in the 2nd trimester.
Chelsea Johnson says
Thanks for your input, Amber! Congrats on your pregnancy!
Ula says
I can see where you are coming from but after experiencing a miscarriage I now at 11 weeks I am glad that I did tell some people. I now realise its more about who can handle it than anything else. I am glad that people knew my baby existed but then this time I am 10 weeks and I have only told a very few the ones that knew how to handle the situation last time. and it was surprising who did and who couldn’t like my sister-in-law who messed up every conversation that she had with me for months with insensitive snide remarks.or my husbands parents who refused to acknowledge that it ever happened didn’t ask either myself or my husband once if we were ok.
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It definitely depends on the person, but I think it’s something every pregnant woman should consider when she finds out she is pregnant, just in case.
CARA says
As an expecting 2nd time momma, I totally agree with you! My choice is to wait until our 20 week mark just to make sure everything is alright. Also, the reason we decided to wait for the most part is we really didn’t want to hear all the comments. I had excessive fluid with my first which made my belly really big from very early on. I got SO many comments about how big i was from about 3 months on. With this one, I haven’t had the fluid issue yet, so it has been easy to hide, and quite frankly I have enjoyed having no one know. My husband has too! Plus, I am a teacher and wasn’t quite ready to tell my middle schoolers. Anyway, for me personally I say wait! However, everyone has their own way of doing things!
Chelsea Johnson says
Thanks for sharing! And congrats on your second pregnancy!