Why I don’t tell people I’m pregnant until the second trimester. It’s a personal decision, but here’s something you should really consider!
My most popular post is “14 Things to Do When You Find Out You Are Pregnant.” It has almost 1 million pageviews since I wrote it a year ago, and I have gotten a lot of great feedback from it.
But one thing that has bothered me is that while I have gotten a lot of comments from people saying how helpful it was for them, I’ve also gotten a lot of people attacking the first thing I suggest.
“1. Don’t tell people until you are past the first trimester. I think family is okay to tell, but it can be smart not to tell the whole world until after the first trimester is over. I know it can be incredibly hard not to tell your friends as soon as you find out you are pregnant, but try not to post it to Facebook just yet. One of my biggest fears is having to go back and tell people that something has happened and you have had a miscarriage. The baby is most vulnerable during the first 12 weeks you are pregnant, and after the first trimester, the chance of a miscarriage drops dramatically (down to 10% of all known pregnancies). So just to be safe, try your hardest to wait until you are 13 weeks pregnant before you spread the glorious news.”
That is all. And for some reason, people pounced on that. I actually had to include a note at the beginning of the post. It says “This is my opinion on what you should do when you find out you are pregnant. It is how I feel, and I feel strongly about it. I know others will either agree or disagree, and that is fine, but it doesn’t change my experiences or my thoughts. So please be courteous about what you comment about.”
Despite that little disclaimer, I still get people all the time making rude comments about how I am wrong. So I thought it was finally time I explained myself. I want to tell you why I don’t tell people I’m pregnant until the second trimester.
With both of my pregnancies, we have told our families that we were pregnant before the second trimester. We told our families we were pregnant the first time right after we had it confirmed by the doctor, and our families the second time when I was 8 weeks pregnant. But we didn’t announce either pregnancy to everyone else until I was in the second trimester.
I think it’s totally fine to tell your family and close friends. It’s super hard not to share your exciting news with someone! The thing I recommend avoiding is posting to Facebook or Instagram that you are pregnant before the second trimester.
Like I said in my post, the chance of having a miscarriage drops from up to 25% to 10% when you hit the second trimester. It’s still possible to have a miscarriage, but because the chances are lower, I think 13 weeks is a better time to announce your pregnancy to the world.
I am going to assume that most people have friends and followers on social media that they maybe met once or twice, but probably won’t ever see again. They probably are friends with people from high school that they haven’t spoken to since graduation. That’s a pretty common thing. The problem that I personally have with announcing your pregnancy before the second trimester is that if something does happen, you then have to go back and tell everyone that you lost the baby.
I would SO much rather just tell my family and close friends because that is where my support system lies. Not in my Facebook friends I never talk to, and not in my Instagram followers. My family and close friends are the ones I want by my side in the event of a miscarriage, and I don’t want random people telling me they are so sorry for me through an online message or comment.
I think it’s completely fine if you want to mourn the loss of your baby publicly. It’s not shameful to have a miscarriage, because they are very common. I am not trying to say that we need to hide miscarriages, but if it was me, I would hate to have to tell people over and over again that I lost the baby.
Yes, you can lose your baby at any time. You might be in that horrible 10% of women who lose their baby after the first trimester. And that sucks.
The decision of when to tell people you are pregnant is personal, and it is different for everyone. But this is my blog, and I am going to share my advice and my opinion on it, even if people disagree. Because I really do think that when you find out you are pregnant, it’s one of the first things you need to decide. And personally, I would wait until after the first trimester.
Lilly says
Hi! I can’t agree with you more.
With my first pregnancy, I told the world..and that’s fine. With my second pregnancy, I did the same thing..and lost my baby before I even saw him/her at my 7 weeks checkup..
I knew miscarriages happen..I just didn’t think it’ll happen to me.
I remember going back to family and crying to my parents that I lost the baby..explaining to them like it was my fault..
The hardest was when coworkers that I barely knew, but heard the good news stop me and ask me how I’m doing.only to let them know I lost the baby.
When we got pregnant this time, I only told one person and my boss-I’m not going through that again!
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m sorry you had to go through that. And your experience is exactly why I want to be cautious early on! Congratulations on your new pregnancy!
patty says
You are absolutely right. As someone who has suffered a miscarriage myself it can be very painful to have to explain yourself in front of people. My husband and I decided not to tell many people when we found out, eventually I had to tell some people from work since I started bleeding and I had to let my boss know and people kept asking why I missed work for 2 weeks. Also, although some people mean well in their comments, some of them come off as mean or insensitive (for example asking “What did you do wrong?” -like what happened to me when someone at work asked this, as if it could only mean that I screwed up. Or saying something such as “maybe your baby would have done something bad in life and this was God’s way to deal with it” – as I also was told by a “friend”) Obviously like you mentioned in your post, that is YOUR opinion, such as this is mine. Many women feel that they do want to tell and if something happens they don’t want to carry the burden by themselves and want to have a support system, that’s ok too, but to leave hateful or rude comments just because you don’t share their opinion is beyond ridiculous.
Chelsea Johnson says
Thanks, Patty! And thanks for the support! I’m sorry you had to go through that. It’s not something anyone should have to go through. If someone wants to tell that’s great, but I think everyone should think about it before they go ahead and share the wonderful news.
Kirsty says
I agree 100%
My fiancé and I were waiting eagerly and patiently to announce our pregnancy after the 12 week scan,
‘Just to make sure everything was alright.’
Turned out everything wasn’t alright. The baby had an omphalocele (the bowel, stomach etc had developed on the outside of the body.)
After alot of crying and thinking, we decided to terminate the pregnancy (another subject which always causes a shitstorm of opinions.)
I will never regret either decision, especially to not tell anyone but my closest family and friends, as they were the ones who supported us and our decision, as difficult and heartbreaking as it was to make.
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m so sorry, that’s awful. Making a baby really is so hard. You should ever have to explain yourself to anyone. Stick by your decision. It was yours to make.
Jade says
I just wanted to add my experience. I agree that everyone is entitled to their own choices but mine differs from you and here is why…
I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. We hadn’t told anyone except my parents and our siblings. At 12 weeks I had a scan and found that I had miscarried without knowing it. I then needed to go into hospital for a d and c operation. I had to phone work and explain that I was pregnant and not anymore and that I needed time off work to go into hospital. The whole explanation was heartbreaking and I truly wished I could have phoned and told them with a simple ‘I’ve lost the baby’. Next, I needed a great deal of support from my friends so I had to phone and explain the whole scenario. Living through it again via the explanation was awful.
Years on I have publicly supported miscarriage charities and openly talk about my own experience. I’m not ashamed and I don’t want to keep it a secret. I want to help others. Thankfully I went on to have a beautiful son and I told everyone so they could help me through the journey – and I really did need help for those scary 3 months.
Chelsea Johnson says
I don’t think you should ever be ashamed about having a miscarriage, or try to keep it a secret. But I just think that in the moment, it would be harder for me to have to constantly be telling people that I lost the baby. Everyone is different and that is fine, but I think people should consider this before they break the news to everyone. Thank you for sharing your opinion.
Megan says
Those are all absolutely understandable reasons for waiting to share the wonderful news! My husband and I chose to wait until the 2nd trimester with our first baby and planned to do the same when we got pregnant again. When that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage though, I really struggled with feelings of isolation – like I was the only person in the world grieving my baby because nobody else had known s/he existed until after it was too late. So when we got pregnant for the third time, we chose to share the news after having a healthy 6-week scan. But again, those were my feelings and my choice – not for everyone, that’s for sure!
Chelsea Johnson says
Thank you for sharing! Yes, it’s not for everyone because everyone is different. I’m so sorry you had to experience that. I hope things go well with your pregnancy!
Kyla says
Totally agree and I speak from experience. Before my husband and I decided to start trying I had already seen 3 friends (they were close so I knew all about it) that same year post the exciting news of their pregnancy at 7ish weeks only to post again in a few days/ weeks that they lost their baby. We decided that we would tell family and very close friends once it was confirmed, which at 8 weeks. 3 days later I started bleeding and my doctor confirmed my greatest fear, miscarriage. I’m so glad I hadn’t announced it to the Facebook world. Telling my family was difficult, but putting a Facebook post up “announcing” my miscarriage would have been terrible.
Chelsea Johnson says
I definitely think everyone is different, but like you, I would hate to have to “announce” having a miscarriage. I’m sorry you had to go through that 🙁
Chrissy says
With my first pregnancy, I told everyone the day after we found out, I was 4 weeks. 2 weeks later, I miscarried and had to post on Facebook that we lost it, for months and months after that I had people asking me where my bump was and had to relive the miscarriage over and over. I even had someone remember my due date and I hadn’t seen or talked to her since I told her I was pregnant, she looked all over for a baby and kept asking about it. With my second pregnancy, we only told close friends and family when we found out and then when I miscarried, I only had my immediate support. I promised my husband and made him promise that only our parents and siblings will know until we decide it’s right. In my mind, it’s humiliating to have to announce it to the world that your baby is gone. I feel like I would rather suffer in silence than be asked constantly. I grieve my babies everyday, I post about them on Facebook but for that first few weeks after, I just want to be left alone. I actually got mad at my sister for the first time in my life for not respecting my wishes to be left alone. She had her friends that had lost, message me.
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m sorry you’ve had to experience that twice. I share your feelings about wanting to grieve on my own and not wanting to share it with people who aren’t close to me. Thanks for sharing.
Natasha says
I completely agree! My husband and I told all of our friends and family right away our first pregnancy and then lost the baby at 8 weeks and having to tell everyone was almost as difficult as the loss itself. I personally would never tell anyone but my closest family until the second trimester again but everyone is different no one should begrudge anyone for how they feel about their own experience.
Chelsea Johnson says
I agree. And I hope people get that I’m just saying it’s something you need to think about before spreading the happy news immediately. I’m sorry you had to experience that, though. It’s something nobody should have to go through, but unfortunately, is more common than people know.
JJ says
My morning sickness has hit very early with so there was no hiding I was pregnant unless I wanted to let people think I had an endless tummy bug. With our one miscarriage, which was very early, we had only told our parents but we found out we were pregnant one day and had a loss the next.
Chelsea Johnson says
Sometimes that does happen, and if you’re trying to keep it quiet, that stinks! I’m sorry you had to go through a miscarriage 🙁
Kirsten says
I am sorry people leave rude comments, but I guess that many of them have never had to deal with having to tell people they lost a baby. My pregnancies are so hard and I lost a twin at 16 weeks, and was on bed rest for both pregnancies. I am right with you on not announcing things to anyone but family for a good while. I am not one who likes to have to re-tell over and over such a hard thing.
Chelsea Johnson says
That’s how I would feel as well. One time is hard enough, I can’t imagine having to tell people over and over again.
Christine Bell says
My last pregnancy I waited to announce it on social media until I was 20 weeks and knew the gender. It was the best decision I’d ever made and I wished I’d waited that long with my others. I had complications all throughout and wanted to be sure that things were ok and well before I let everyone know. My first three pregnancies I announced it at around 12 weeks, which worked out just fine, but I’m a total believer in waiting a while to announce! I’ve had lots of scary complications and a miscarriage. There’s nothing wrong with keeping it a secret for a while.
Marylise says
I totally agree with you! At my first pregnancy i had only told my family, close friends and my co-workers! I wasnt sure about telljng my co-workers but i am glad i did because i ended up having my miscarriage at work.. i feel as if it would have been more devastating having to explain to them what was happening when it happened.. im glad they knew i was pregnant so as soon as they saw my face they knew what was wrong.. but i didnt say anything on facebook and im glad i didnt because if having to announce a miscarriage on facebook then seeing any comments would probably have made everything more difficult than it has to be….
Chelsea Johnson says
I 100% agree with you. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, too. It’s something nobody should have to go through but that so many women do. Thanks for sharing your experience!
Kay Lee says
Hi,
I know this article is from last year, but I totally agree that you should wait until the second trimester to tell the entire world. I am at the moment four months pregnant, and we are just now telling our friends. We told family when I was about nine weeks pregnant. I wanted to wait until the doctor said it was ok. I really wanted to wait until I reached five to tell friends, but the husband insisted we do it sooner.
Chelsea Johnson says
Thanks! And congratulations!
Chidalu says
I totally agree. Everyone does not need to know you are pregnant immediately you discover it. I think one should take sometime…yeah.
Chelsea Johnson says
Thanks!
Summer says
Hi Chelsea,
I recently had the awful experience of losing my baby. I started having complications at almost 11weeks. We then found out our baby didn’t make it past 6 1/2 weeks. My husband and I are completely devastated. This was our first child together and we were so excited! We made the huge mistake of telling everyone, instead of just close family. I feel so humiliated! I wholeheartedly agree with your advice. Having to tell everyone we lost our baby, added insult to injury. We have already decided that when we get pregnant again, we won’t make the same mistake.
Chelsea Johnson says
I am so sorry! That’s awful. I can’t imagine how hard that must’ve been. Thanks for your input! I hope it helps other moms.