Why I don’t tell people I’m pregnant until the second trimester. It’s a personal decision, but here’s something you should really consider!
My most popular post is “14 Things to Do When You Find Out You Are Pregnant.” It has almost 1 million pageviews since I wrote it a year ago, and I have gotten a lot of great feedback from it.
But one thing that has bothered me is that while I have gotten a lot of comments from people saying how helpful it was for them, I’ve also gotten a lot of people attacking the first thing I suggest.
“1. Don’t tell people until you are past the first trimester. I think family is okay to tell, but it can be smart not to tell the whole world until after the first trimester is over. I know it can be incredibly hard not to tell your friends as soon as you find out you are pregnant, but try not to post it to Facebook just yet. One of my biggest fears is having to go back and tell people that something has happened and you have had a miscarriage. The baby is most vulnerable during the first 12 weeks you are pregnant, and after the first trimester, the chance of a miscarriage drops dramatically (down to 10% of all known pregnancies). So just to be safe, try your hardest to wait until you are 13 weeks pregnant before you spread the glorious news.”
That is all. And for some reason, people pounced on that. I actually had to include a note at the beginning of the post. It says “This is my opinion on what you should do when you find out you are pregnant. It is how I feel, and I feel strongly about it. I know others will either agree or disagree, and that is fine, but it doesn’t change my experiences or my thoughts. So please be courteous about what you comment about.”
Despite that little disclaimer, I still get people all the time making rude comments about how I am wrong. So I thought it was finally time I explained myself. I want to tell you why I don’t tell people I’m pregnant until the second trimester.
With both of my pregnancies, we have told our families that we were pregnant before the second trimester. We told our families we were pregnant the first time right after we had it confirmed by the doctor, and our families the second time when I was 8 weeks pregnant. But we didn’t announce either pregnancy to everyone else until I was in the second trimester.
I think it’s totally fine to tell your family and close friends. It’s super hard not to share your exciting news with someone! The thing I recommend avoiding is posting to Facebook or Instagram that you are pregnant before the second trimester.
Like I said in my post, the chance of having a miscarriage drops from up to 25% to 10% when you hit the second trimester. It’s still possible to have a miscarriage, but because the chances are lower, I think 13 weeks is a better time to announce your pregnancy to the world.
I am going to assume that most people have friends and followers on social media that they maybe met once or twice, but probably won’t ever see again. They probably are friends with people from high school that they haven’t spoken to since graduation. That’s a pretty common thing. The problem that I personally have with announcing your pregnancy before the second trimester is that if something does happen, you then have to go back and tell everyone that you lost the baby.
I would SO much rather just tell my family and close friends because that is where my support system lies. Not in my Facebook friends I never talk to, and not in my Instagram followers. My family and close friends are the ones I want by my side in the event of a miscarriage, and I don’t want random people telling me they are so sorry for me through an online message or comment.
I think it’s completely fine if you want to mourn the loss of your baby publicly. It’s not shameful to have a miscarriage, because they are very common. I am not trying to say that we need to hide miscarriages, but if it was me, I would hate to have to tell people over and over again that I lost the baby.
Yes, you can lose your baby at any time. You might be in that horrible 10% of women who lose their baby after the first trimester. And that sucks.
The decision of when to tell people you are pregnant is personal, and it is different for everyone. But this is my blog, and I am going to share my advice and my opinion on it, even if people disagree. Because I really do think that when you find out you are pregnant, it’s one of the first things you need to decide. And personally, I would wait until after the first trimester.
Rachel says
i completely agree with you about waiting until the second trimester to tell people. I was very self conscious during my first pregnancy and I did end up telling people as soon as I found out and I got a lot of people telling me that they could already “tell” that I was pregnant, when it clearly wasn’t visible. It made me feel as if I was heavier than I should be(especially with all those pregnancy hormones).
Chelsea Johnson says
Really? That’s so mean! You’d think people would be more sensitive! Sometimes people just don’t know what to say to a pregnant woman!
Emily says
Haha so rude! People are seriously dumb! I had the same thing happen to me when I had actually lost 5 pounds because of being so sick! I just stared at them like they were the stupid ones and told them yeah I LOST weight but good try! And laughed! They definitely felt stupid after
Chelsea Johnson says
Yikes! That’s unfortunate! People should just shut their mouths!
Miz says
Hello . I think your awesome. I don’t know who you are or necessarily agree with you but i am an expectant DAD for the first time (yay!) and have learned one thing. Do what YOU want to do, life decisions are relative and the only people that have to deal with your own decisions is YOU. SIMPLES! My wife is cautious and only told family, I have told my close friends. Either way you still have to deal with life. So whatever happens just be happy with your decision and don’t stress- life’s way too short!
Chelsea Johnson says
You do have to deal with whatever decision you make. That’s why for me personally, I only want to tell family!
Stacy says
My Mom said she’d suspected I was pregnant (before I told anyone or was even showing) because she said she thought my boobs looked bigger
Chelsea Johnson says
My mom did that to me with my first pregnancy!
Shelly says
Completely agree with this! Your nearest and dearest are the only ones who need to know anything, I couldn’t give a hoot about the ‘friends’ on Facebook – anyone that deserves to know will know from us when the time is right – after the first trimester! We’re telling our parents on Xmas day (I’ll be almost 10 weeks) and keeping it silent is hard, but will be so worth it!! Brilliant advice – let the haters hate xx
Chelsea Johnson says
Congratulations, Shelly! Thanks for sharing and good luck with your announcement!
Katie says
I can’t believe so many people give you rude comments about this! I totally agree with you. Although I never have miscarried, we have never told people (beyond family) before the second trimester. If people want to, then that’s great, but I’ve never felt comfortable with it for many of the reasons your stated! I know a few people who have miscarried and told people really early on, and they have told me that anytime people would ask about their pregnancy after their miscarriage, it made everything hurt so much again.
Chelsea Johnson says
Right? I’ve had to delete a lot of mean comments and add a disclaimer at the top of the post asking people to be nice. One person commented and told me that it sounded like that was just my opinion. I was like duh, yes it is! This is my blog! Having to tell people again and again if you miscarry would be the worst! I can’t imagine going through that 🙁
Carrie says
Yes, but the beauty of social media is that you don’t have to tell people over and over. You can just tell them once on your facebook page or whatever it is. I respect your opinion. I used to feel the way you do…before I had 2 back to back miscarriages. Now, I say celebrate every second of that beautiful little life with as many people as you choose. 🙂
Chelsea Johnson says
And that’s fine! It is different for everyone. Just for me personally, and what I recommend people think about, I’m going to wait 🙂
Kersten says
I’ve never felt comfortable telling anyone but family before the 12 week mark because of the chance of miscarriage! It would hurt so much to have to tell everyone you’ve ever met that you lost a baby in your 1st trimester. I can’t believe people have been rude about your own feelings on this subject, especially because your feelings are logically based! I completely agree with your reasoning!
Chelsea Johnson says
Same! And thank you! Hopefully now that I’ve written this people will read it and stop being so mean!
Samantha says
You tell em girl! If they don’t like what you say then they can keep on scrolling! Everyone has their own opinion about EVERYTHING baby. Not everyone is going to agree with every.single.person in the world about parenting and pregnancy. Personally, my husband and I told our family and close friends right when we found out (and his family actually posted on social media before we could tell them no). We definitely would have waited to tell the rest of the world, but what can ya do. Thanks for sharing Chelsea!
Chelsea Johnson says
Thanks, Samantha! You definitely have to be clear with family what you want them to say! People don’t think about it until it’s too late sometimes! But I’m glad everything worked out for you guys!!
Melanie says
I completely agree with you on this! When I have kids, I won’t be announcing my pregnancy until after the first trimester.
Chelsea Johnson says
Thank you!!
ashley wheeler says
I agree with waiting to tell until you are in the second trimester. I never had a problem telling family and friends (didn’t announce on FB) right away with my first 2 pregnancies. When i got pregnant a 3rd time we had only told family after i found out, but i had a miscarriage 1 week later. When i got pregnant the 4th time we waited to tell people because i was nervous i would have another miscarriage
Chelsea Johnson says
It’s scary, and everyone is different, but until you know what you’re going to need, I think it’s smart to wait.
Alexis says
I completely agree with you. My first pregnancy I announced on Facebook before I was 12 weeks and I ended up miscarrying. So for months after that people would ask me about my pregnancy and I had to tell them I had lost the baby which was awkward for them and heartbreaking for me. I’ve had 3 pregnancies since then and definitely waited until after 12 weeks to make sure I’ve heard a heartbeat before I share the news. It’s just easier that way. I still tell family because I would want them to know I miscarried and mourn together, but I don’t need random people from college knowing about that difficult event in my life.
Chelsea Johnson says
Thank you! And I’m so sorry you had to go through that. That’s exactly why I wait to announce it. I would hate having to tell people over and over again (especially people who aren’t really your friends) that you lost the baby.
JJ728 says
I told a few family and friends when I found out and then I was in a car accident. It’s that much harder to tell those people what happened and have some of them support you while others just look at you with pity. It’s already hard but sometimes it just makes it that much harder especially with those hormones still freaking out and you never know how you’ll interpret and react to something. I was at 11 weeks.
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m so sorry, that is awful. It’s never an easy thing to go through, but I would rather keep it a small thing if I did have to go through it one day. At least not until I’m ready to talk about it.
Kimberly says
I completely agree… I lost my first two pregnancies in the first trimester and only my family, very close friends, and coworkers knew I was pregnant. (The coworkers knew was because I had horrific morning sickness and had to keep running to the bathroom constantly.) When I did miscarry, everyone was very sympathetic and I received a lot of support from people I was close to. We didn’t publicly announce my pregnancy with my daughter until I was 18 weeks and for this pregnancy, I think I was about 15 or 16 weeks along.
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Telling people is such a personal decision, and everyone needs different levels of support. But it is something people often don’t think about before they announce! Thanks for sharing!
Amandine says
I couldn’t agree more with you because I actually had a miscarriage for my first pregnancy. I was only 5 weeks pregnant and nobody except my husband knew I was pregnant. It was so hard on me, on us. I thought I would never be able to have kids. I chose not to tell our friends and family. It was too hard. (But I did get to talk to people who went throuh this). But my husband’s parents were constantly asking him if I was pregnant and, under the pressure, he told them.
I finally got pregrant again after almost a year. We decided not to tell anyone until the second trimester for fear it would happen again. It didn’t. We told our families. Everyone was happy. But my husband’s parents, though they knew about the miscarriage, were awful : they reproached us for not telling them sooner. Merely no congratulations, just criticism. They just woudn’t understand.
We know have a healthy 3-year-old boy and if we ever have another child I would do the same thing even if it means criticism from certain people. Because it was the right thing to do for us.
It’s my body, our couple, our decison, nobody gets the right to judge us.
And nobody has the right to judge you for the decison you made.
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m sorry you had to go through that. And I’m sorry your in-laws weren’t more supportive. It really is your decision, and you shouldn’t be judged for what you decide. Only you know what is the right thing to do.
Joyce Purcell says
I agree with you and here’s why… I told people I was pregnant the moment 2 pink lines appeared on the stick (with both pregnancies) and I wish I hadn’t. My husband and I tried for a very long time to get pregnant with both of our children (much, much longer the second time than the first) with many rounds of infertility medication. I was so excited when we finally got pregnant that I couldn’t contain myself, so I spilled the beans. I instantly regretted my decision to do so (both times…). Tell people so soon that we were expecting caused me to stress about the very thing you mention in your post… a miscarriage. Thank the universe that I did not miscarry, but I worried about it throughout my entire pregnancy. I wished everyday that I had kept these miracles to myself everyday and when people asked or made comments about my pregnancy. I wish that my husband and I had kept that intimate little secret to ourselves. I think that it would have created a memory for the both of us that we could have cherished forever. A secret that every time we looked at each other we knew we were the only two people on earth that knew about the growing person in my womb. We would have also had the opportunity to see the faces of those we loved as we shared with them this piece of information. Parents-to-be should do what they are comfortable with, but I hope they take a little time to talk with one another about it and savor the moment.
Chelsea Johnson says
I completely agree that parents should take time to talk about it with each other. It’s something that you really should consider. I’m glad everything was okay and you never had a miscarriage, but it still is scary! Thank you for your input!
Olivia says
I had a 2nd trimester miscarriage and had to tell people that asked for MONTHS that I was no longer pregnant! I absolutely believe that our family should know! But now I’m like you and don’t announce anything to the public until I am about half way through! I’m sorry for how rude people can be!
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I can’t imagine how painful that must’ve been every time someone asked. Thanks for the support!
Laura says
I agree completely… I’m sorry people were so mean on your other blog post…
I know there is a big movement going around to stop hiding miscarriages and not letting women suffer alone in what is unfortunately such a common occurrence… But I don’t take your blog post to mean you wish more people would hide until it’s safe, or that you do either… But there’s a difference between sharing your pregnancy with those who matter most and shouting it to the world on Facebook or other social media networks…
We wait until at least 8 weeks to announce to our family because that’s what makes US comfortable… We wait until 16+ weeks to blast on Facebook… Luckily we haven’t ever had to take back our good news because although some may think that you can just post your misfortune once and be done, you’re never really done… There’s always that random girl from high school or your great-aunt (read old and not totally up on social media) that will have missed the original post and re-open your wound later on… And for what? In my opinion it’s totally pointless…
Glad you have and express your own opinion; there is no one right answer to anything 🙂
Chelsea Johnson says
Thanks for the support, Laura!!
Christina says
I agree with you that it is a very personal decision. It is unfortunate that people feel they have the right to disrespect others opinions in blatantly rude ways.
I do see the other side of the coin though. I recently had a miscarriage and it’s been very difficult to go through alone. No one knew that I was pregnant yet but in a way I wish that they did so that I could tell them why I wasn’t up to doing anything or why I needed some space from my friends who are pregnant for a little bit.
I think more of a cautious suggestion makes sense- each pregnancy is different as are the circumstances around them.
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m sorry you had to go through that. I think if it was me, I would tell my close friends what had happened so that I could have that support. But like you said, every pregnancy is different! Thanks for commenting!
Keith says
I am a family doc who has delivered nearly 2000 babies, cared for many families during miscarriage and father of 4 (with 3 miscarriages), and I have one bit of advice.
Think about who you would tell if you do lose a pregnancy. Those who you would need to get through, those who would need to know to help you with your other kids/house/life, whose shoulders you would need to cry on. Go ahead and tell those folks as soon as you want . . . Let them rejoice with you now. It is even harder to say “We are pregnant, but started spotting today.” in one sentence. If this list is 1 or 2 people, fine. If it is more, fine but it helps you decide who to tell, and sets you up to have those you need to weep with you available.
Chelsea Johnson says
Thank you so much! These are great words of wisdom!
Melanie says
Miscarriage is real. Just is depression, suicide, infertility and all other bad things that people don’t want to hear or talk about. The truth is, if we don’t talk about it and if people don’t know these things happen, the bad things win and more people suffer. They take over. Bad things happen in life and it’s full of dissapointment. I’d rather cherish the fact that I was able to get pregnant, tell everyone and celebrate. I’m happy to have a reason to celebrate. If someone I know can’t handle that I’ve had a miscarriage, they don’t belong in my life.
Chelsea Johnson says
I know it’s real. I’ve experienced depression, suicide, and infertility in my life and the lives of those around me. I’m definitely not saying that we shouldn’t talk about them, and I’m definitely not saying that if someone can’t handle that I’ve had a miscarriage, they shouldn’t be in my life. What I am saying is that I wouldn’t want to be reminded of my miscarriage when I’m finally starting to heal by people that I barely know. Don’t misinterpret what I’m saying.