Love this post about what it feels like when you can’t get pregnant. You are never alone, and you should never feel like you are.
“When are you going to have a baby?” she asked me hopefully. There was no malice in her voice, her eyes were full of excitement, and she was clearly just asking a question to make conversation.
“Oh, I don’t know. We’ll see,” I shrugged, giving a polite smile and quickly changing the subject.
To someone who has never struggled with infertility, a simple question about someone’s future children seems so innocent. But to someone who has been trying to get pregnant for months, it is a heartbreaking reminder of your ongoing battle to make a baby.
After the first few months of trying, you start to wonder if something is wrong. You record your basal body temperature every morning to see when you are ovulating and use ovulation predictor tests every month so you have sex at the right times. When that doesn’t help, you might seek fertility counseling and have lots of hormone tests done. Your husband will get tested, too, to make sure he isn’t part of the problem. But when everything comes up fine, your doctors say sorry and tell you to come back after you’ve been trying for a year.
Each month you have ridiculous sex during ovulation, and then wait two painful weeks to see if it worked. You want to get pregnant so bad that you convince yourself that you are nauseous or extra tired or that your boobs are sore. That makes it even worse when the pregnancy tests are all negative and then the month ends in your period.
When you can’t get pregnant, it feels like all of your friends are getting pregnant and leaving you behind. You watch their bellies grow and their babies be born, and as much as you want to be happy for them, you feel like crying every time they post a new picture of their perfect baby.
After a year, when you are clinically “infertile,” doctors will start talking about other options. Ovulation medication, fertility treatments, hormone injections, and on and on. You start seriously considering expensive fertility treatments and wonder how much you can afford to spend to make a baby.
The question “when are you going to have a baby?” is just a reminder that your body isn’t working the way it’s supposed to. It is a reminder of the roller coaster of emotions you ride every single month. It is a reminder of all the days and nights you spend crying because it still isn’t happening. It is a reminder that what you want the most is to experience pregnancy and hold your own newborn baby in your arms. It is a reminder that you have no idea when you are going to be able to have a baby.
But that’s not something you mention in casual conversation. When someone asks “when are you going to have a baby?” you don’t unload the stress you’ve been feeling for months, or even years, about the pain you’ve felt while trying to get pregnant. You can’t tell them about the battle you’ve been having with your own body because if you try you are just going to break down. So you try and be casual and brush it off with a “oh, I don’t know, we’ll see,” and then try to quickly change the conversation.
It took my husband and I 15 months to get pregnant, plus a round of ovulation medication and an IUI. But for some women, it takes longer. Some women struggle for years.
So don’t ever ask someone when they are going to have kids. Don’t judge someone for having a job instead of having kids, or traveling instead of having kids. You might think someone has their priorities mixed up, but they might be going through the biggest struggle of their lives, or maybe they aren’t and they just aren’t ready for kids. Either way, it’s not your decision, and you have no place to push them.
And if you’re the one who keeps getting negative pregnancy tests, you are not alone. If you are the one who feels like she is bipolar because of the ups-and-downs of trying to get pregnant, you are not alone. If you are the one who can’t look at social media because every time you see another friend’s pregnancy announcement you cry, you are not alone.
You are not alone. And you should never feel like you are.
Helena says
We tried for 7 years including visiting our doctor asking why it’s not happening. I had three miscarriages in that time. They just kept saying ‘but you do fall pregnant’! In the end we discovered through many private tests that I had low and poor egg reserve. Finally we could do something about it and after ivf treatment abroad, I’m 38 weeks pregnant. I admire those who don’t give up and I’m so happy we were lucky enough to have successful treatment.
Chelsea Johnson says
Congratulations! It’s definitely hard and I didn’t have to struggle with it as long as some women do, but I admire those who don’t give up, too!
Tequilla L Mosley says
Do I need to go see a obgyn to see if anything is wrong with me since I don’t have a family doctor
Chelsea Johnson says
If you don’t have a family doctor you can see an OBGYN, but a family doctor is probably the first step if you’ve been trying longer than a year.
Katie Clark says
I didn’t struggle to have my two boys, but I know so many (including my sister, who has been through the ringer) who have. It breaks my heart, and it makes me grateful for my two little ones getting here without much waiting. This is such an important post for people to read. You just never know what a person is going through! I usually think people should just not get offended by things, but when it comes to infertility, I think you can never be too careful.
Chelsea Johnson says
Thanks, Katie. I agree. People just don’t realize what they say can hurt. You never know what people are going through, so it’s better to be safe than sorry.
Christine Bell says
I know many women who struggle with this. I was blessed to get pregnant easily, but afterwards had many scary complications throughout the pregnancy. I had an ectopic pregnancy, too, and it was such an emotional time. All of my friends seemed to be pregnant or having babies. It’s such a personal question to ask, especially when you have no idea what the woman is going through. Great post!
Chelsea Johnson says
Thanks, Christine! Hopefully we can help spread the message and help everyone feel supported no matter what their circumstance!
Kari says
After 14 years being told I couldn’t get pregnant on my own and 8 years with my husband, we decided to just give up and move on… I’m 27 weeks pregnant. We are elated and still in shock but every person who asked over the years made me want to curl up in a ball. Love this post.
Chelsea Johnson says
Congratulations, Kari! That is so exciting! Thanks for sharing 🙂 So excited for you to meet your new little baby!
Janelle says
I really needed to read this tonigbt… we’ve been trying for 7 months, and I know that isn’t a long time but it feels like forever when all you want is a precious baby. Thank you thank you thank you for posting this.
Chelsea Johnson says
It does feel like forever. Good luck 🙂 Stay positive!!
Kristen says
Same here. It’s been about as long and I just sobbed through this whole post. I appreciate it. I feel ridiculous for feeling bipolar after what I know is clinically a short time, but it’s felt like a lifetime. Especially when you really know your body. Thank you.
Chelsea Johnson says
You’re so welcome, Kristen! I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but you are absolutely not alone! I hope it happens soon!
Steph says
We’ve been trying for 10 years now and it has not happened. My husband has had health issues and this past year we were told to try and not get pregnant it wasn’t that hard. I’ve lost friends because seeing them pregnant was too much for me. We are now going to start seeing specialists and hope we can get pregnant.
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m so sorry! That is such a difficult battle and I’m sorry you have to go through it. Good luck and I hope one day you can get pregnant and have a baby 🙂
Chelsea says
Thank you for this post. This is totally my life right now and it’s so comforting to know other people get what I’m going through.
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m so sorry, Chelsea. It sucks. I hope that it happens soon for you. And definitely remember that you are NOT alone!
C.J. says
Thank you for this post. My husband and I are fortunate to have our 5 month old miracle after our third round of IVF, however the pain of infertility is still a part of me. Now people are asking us when we’re going to have a second child. I know people mean well but I often feel like slapping them!
Chelsea Johnson says
Congratulations! And I’m sorry people are already asking you that! Infertility isn’t something people know enough about, and they just don’t think when they ask those questions! Enjoy your little miracle!
Princila says
Hi Chelsea,
I couldn’t help sharing this and hopefully, more people will understand that the question “when are you going to have a baby?” might not be the best one to ask a couple, even if their intentions are healthy.
This post reminded me of what my husband and I went through during the first year our marriage. The pressure was intense, with friends and relatives (especially close ones) asking us when we were going to get pregnant. We have two kids now, but nearly everyone is asking us when baby number 3 will be on the way. I just can’t help asking myself “What is really wrong with us humans?!”
Chelsea Johnson says
It is a problem! And people just don’t get it. Thanks for sharing it so that we can try and bring more awareness to infertility and increase people’s sensitivity!
Reka says
We’ve been trying for a year and I am so sad cause I’d like to hold my baby and it is so hard to be patient… Everybody say: don’t want it to hard… Yeah thansk, good advice… And yes, everybody asking about it, every single day, and I am so tired of fake smiling and lie something just to cover my disappointment… So hard situation, wish you all luck, girls!
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m so sorry! It’s the worst situation, but knowing you aren’t alone and being able to share experiences with others definitely helps! Good luck!
Reese says
It’s late at night and I am feeling very hurt, frustrated, and disappointed. Your post reminds me that I am not alone.
Chelsea Johnson says
You are never alone!!
Naomi says
been married for 2years and no luck of bearing even a child, we have tried medically nothing is happening, no sign of me getting pregnant. I see other ladies in office, church, street etc getting pregnant, am just frustrated right now . but thank God for your post and comments cos I know someone out there knows what am feeling and going through… may God put a smile on us soon!!!
Chelsea Johnson says
It is so hard! I’m so sorry that you’re going through that. I hope it happens for you soon. You’re definitely not alone!
Megan says
So glad I found this article. It’s true that until you have gone through infertility you have no idea how hard it truly is. I struggled everyday seeing women having children even 16 year old children having children and it killed me inside, I prayed every day of my life God would bless me, wondering what I had done wrong in life. Finally at the age of 34 I had my first child, and at the age of 37 I had my second. T. Both of them I conceive with help of reproductive medicine center in Kiev. Everything is legal there. They provide different packages of services. And after some calculations we realized that it would be more profitable for us to turn to Ukrainian specialists than here at home. Luckily clinic provides accommodation and transfer for patience so we didn’t have to worry about it. We are truly blessed & thankful that fertility treatments did work for us. And I have make amazing friendships with other “infertiles” I have met through Internet communities, reading blogs, and even support groups in my area. So, to me it’s better to talk to people and opens up about your feelings to cheer each other up.
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m glad your story had a happy ending! It really is so hard! And it’s definitely better to open up to other people than keep it all inside by yourself!!
Yuna says
Thank you so much for the post. I’ve lost count of how long I’ve been trying, maybe 12months, maybe 15, maybe 18. I’ve seen so many people around me get pregnant, including some that tell me “oh now what should I do, I’m pregnant again!’ I tried telling myself that if I pretend to be happy for them, or even try to be genuinely happy for them then god will also give me this greatest gift. But time and time again it’s still not happening. Even though I already have a 2 year old child, but I still feel like my heart yearns for another child to complete the family. And I feel guilty thinking whether I’m just too greedy because there are people who are struggling with just one child. But after a lot of thinking, I realize that I cannot help it that this is what my heart and mind and entire body truly yearns for. Just that month after month after month it’s just not happening. I’m beginning to think that it’s never going to happen again. Should I just convince myself that I should be happy with one child?
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m so sorry, Yuna. That sucks. It’s super hard to be happy when everyone around you is getting what you want. I don’t think it’s fair for me to tell you to be happy with one child. I think it’s okay to keep trying, holding onto hope. Maybe you could meet with a fertility specialist?
Melissa says
Thank you for your post! I really needed it tonight. We’ve been TTC for over 3 years and never a positive test. It is extremely hard to watch family and friends around you “accidentally” get pregnant. I’ve spent so many nights in tears. But ultimately we must remember God is in control of our lives.
Chelsea Johnson says
Oh Melissa, I’m so, so sorry. That sucks. He really is in control, and sometimes you can’t see that until you’re through the trial you’re facing. I hope things work out for you soon!