New Year, New Mama: Say Goodbye to Mom Guilt

If you’re going to have the best year ever, you’ve got to start with one thing that all mamas struggle with: mom guilt. Here’s how to get rid of it.

If you’re going to have the best year ever, you’ve got to start with one thing that all mamas struggle with: mom guilt.

We’ve all felt it. We tell ourselves we aren’t good enough, we’re not measuring up, we’re ruining our kids with all of our imperfections. Mom guilt weighs on us when we realize our kids haven’t had a single vegetable in three days, when we lose our temper and yell at our kids, when we go back to work and hire someone else to watch our babies during the day, and when we let our kids watch too much television. Stay-at-home moms feel it, moms with more than one kid feel it, working moms feel it. It means something different to everyone, but it’s so real. So real and so destructive.

Traditionally, people feel guilt when they do something wrong. You steal something, you feel guilty. You say something hurtful to someone, you feel guilty. You lie to get out of doing something, you feel guilty. The problem here is that 95% of the time we feel mom guilt, we’re not actually doing anything wrong.

It’s not wrong to give your child fast food or not to wash your hair for a week. It’s not wrong to leave dishes in the sink or to send your kid to school in pants they’ve already worn twice. It’s not wrong to let your kid watch a movie on TV so that you can clean the bathroom or take some time for yourself. It’s not wrong to work or stay home or feel overwhelmed by your children. You are not doing anything wrong.

So why do we feel mom guilt? Where does it come from? Why do we all go through periods where we feel it? And more importantly, how do we get rid of it?

We figure out what’s causing it.

As women, we are exceptionally hard on ourselves and kind to others. We lift others up but tear ourselves down. We think things look good on other people, but not on us. We see what we want to in other people and wish we had what they have. We hold ourselves up to an incredibly high standard, and when we of course can’t meet that unattainable standard (because nobody can), mom guilt sets in.

Perfection and comparison are at the root of mom guilt.

Did you miss that last bit? Let me say that again so it can really sink in.

Perfection and comparison are at the root of mom guilt.

We feel mom guilt because we see everything and everyone around us as better, more accomplished, more put-together, prettier, happier, more skilled, and then we compare ourselves to the best of everyone else, or who we “think” we should be. An impossible super mom who does it all, has it all, and never makes mistakes.

That’s where mom guilt comes from.

Think for a moment about something you feel mom guilt about. Think about the reason you feel that guilt. Is there a standard that you feel you just aren’t measuring up to? Are you doing something different from the way you think things “should” be done? Nobody has set that standard up except for yourself. And who gets to decide that there is one way things should be done? Nobody but you. It’s all in your head.

You’re not doing anything wrong, and therefore you have no reason to feel mom guilt other than for failing to meet some made up standard you created in your head.

Has mom guilt ever helped you? I’m willing to bet a pretty penny that it hasn’t. Mom guilt doesn’t help anyone. It doesn’t help us change and it doesn’t help us feel better.  And if you think about it, there’s nothing that you need to change except for your perspective.

If we change our perspective and recognize that nobody is perfect, including ourselves, we can stop the cycle of mom guilt. No mom is “better” and no child is the same, so we shouldn’t be comparing ourselves to each other. We all have different strengths and more importantly, different weaknesses.

Mom guilt is a self-limiting belief, and when you let go of it, when you let go of that longing for perfection that has come from comparing yourself to others, you are free to be you, to parent your way, to raise your kids the way you think is best, and to begin living your best mom life.

You may not ever be a perfect parent, but you’re the perfect parent for your child. Your children were sent to your home because God, the Universe, or whatever higher-up you believe in knew you could handle them, that you were the only one in the whole world who could raise them. You were made for them and they were made for you. You are the perfect parent for your child, and despite all the mom guilt you feel, they see you in that perfect light.

Whether you’re breastfeeding or formula feeding your baby, working or staying at home, head of the PTO or have never stepped foot inside your child’s classroom, feeding your baby greasy fries from McDonald’s or homemade, organically-grown-in-your-own-garden sweet potato fries, you’re doing a good job. You, reading this right now, are doing a good job.

Let go of that perfect, unattainable, impossible standard. You don’t need it. Stop comparing yourself to other people’s bests. Who cares what they’re doing. Stop with the mom guilt. You are incredible, wonderful, and amazing, and you are doing a good job.

Mama, you’ve got this.

If you liked this post, check out the rest of the posts in my New Year, New Mama series here!

How to Start Living Your Best Mom Life

Finding Balance in Motherhood

Getting Things Done and Staying On Top of Your Schedule

Getting (and Staying) Organized

Taking Time for Yourself

Becoming a Fun Mom

Time to Make Some Changes