Making a Baby is the Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done: Our struggle with infertility and why you should never give up hope
Many women grow up dreaming of becoming a mother. But nobody tells you how hard it is to make a baby. Before you get the wrong idea, I want to tell you that I am not talking about sex. I am talking about the process of getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and being pregnant. Making a baby is by far, the hardest thing I have ever done. This isn’t something I have shared with many people because it’s not really something you broadcast. I also don’t want you to think that I am complaining about how long it took us to get pregnant. Lots of people aren’t able to get pregnant due to physical reasons, and I am very blessed that in the end, I was blessed with a pregnancy. I just want to share so that if you are struggling with infertility and trying to make a baby, you won’t feel alone. I want to help others feel peace during one of the hardest things they may ever experience.
When the Mister and I got married, I had been on birth control for a few months. I took the pill for about a year before I stopped taking it and we started trying to get pregnant. I knew I wanted to be a mother, so I was attempting to get the Mister on board only a few months after we had gotten married. Having a baby is a big decision, and the timing is different for everyone. We prayed a lot and talked about it and really took it seriously. When we finally felt that we were ready to start our family, we started trying to get pregnant. It took us 15 months of trying, plus recording basal body temperatures, using ovulation predictors, fertility counseling, several doctor visits, tests for both the Mister and for me, a round of ovulation medication, and an IUI before I finally got pregnant.
Trying to get pregnant for us was physically demanding because of all the things we had to do, but it was mostly hard because how emotionally draining it was. I felt like each month I was on a roller coaster. I got so excited when I was ovulating and the hope that maybe this time it would happen. Then it would all come crashing down with a negative test and my period each month. Fifteen months we went through that. I don’t even know how much money we spent on pregnancy tests. We could have just waited to find out if I missed my period each month before testing, but anyone who has ever tried to get pregnant knows how eager you are to find out if you are going to be parents this time. I spent a lot of days and nights crying because it still wasn’t happening.
For the first two years we were married we lived in Provo, Utah, where we were both attending Brigham Young University. So for almost the entire time we were trying to get pregnant, we attended church in a married student ward where every other girl was getting pregnant and having a baby. I am not saying that it is bad that a lot of young LDS couples want to start families quickly. We did, too. It just makes it ten times harder when it seems like all of your friends are getting pregnant and you keep seeing negative pregnancy tests. And since infertility isn’t really a happy or accepted thing to talk about, you just suffer through it together with your husband while everyone else is being blessed with the one thing you want most in the world.
After several months of trying, you start to wonder what is wrong with you and what you might be doing wrong. You wonder if you will ever become parents and you start seriously thinking about expensive fertility treatments. It is really painful and it starts to consume you. You can’t think of anything else. But you just push through and try to keep hoping that your prayers will be answered.
And you know what? They will be. I guess the whole point of writing this is to remind people who are going through it that one day, you will become a parent. Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will become a mother or a father. If you aren’t struggling with infertility, this is to remind you that it is way more common than you think. Don’t ask people who have been married for a few years when they are going to have kids because while they might casually play it off, inside they are hurting and wish they could tell you.
One of the most important things that got the Mister and me through this hard time was to have faith in the Lord’s timing. He knows exactly what is best for us and when it will be best for us. The hardest thing for us is to have faith in Him. “For ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith” (Ether 12:6). Sometimes it just takes longer than anticipated.
For some people, making a baby will be easy. It may even come as a surprise. They will have other trials in their lives that they will have to deal with. For me, making a baby was the hardest thing I have ever done. Remember that you are not alone. I have heard studies report one in ten couples struggle up to one in six couples. People just never talk about it so you never really know who around you might also be dealing with it. If you are one of the people trying to make a baby and you feel like you just keep failing, remember to never give up. Keep trying. And if after a year you still haven’t gotten pregnant, get help.
Because no matter how hard it is, how discouraged or emotionally drained you feel, I promise, it is all worth it.
Jacklyn says
I have been married 5 years and we have been trying to concieve since then and have been unsuccessful… I just had my 2nd iui and I woke up today to my period! The day before I was supposed to find out if I was pregnant or not. This is the hardest most stressful situation ever! Someday so just feel like giving up because it's so hard to get let down ever month but then I say to myself how can I give up on something I want more then anything in the entire world! I feel so incomplete….
Chelsea says
I'm so sorry! That is so hard. I can't imagine going through that for five years. It really is the hardest thing because even though you are doing all you can it doesn't work and you feel so helpless. Just know that you are not alone. There are so many people going through this exact same thing. Don't give up 🙂
keeping faith says
Thank you
Chelsea says
You are so welcome 🙂 You aren't alone!
Bay says
Thank you. This post is exactly what I needed today.
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m so glad I could help! You definitely are not alone, and you should never feel like you are! Good luck on your journey 🙂
Melissa says
Thank you, finding this page has been a blessing. I feel so isolated with having only my husband to talk to. Most people don’t like talking about this. And so many friends keep getting pregnant. We were blessed with a son who’s almost 5 now and waited over 4 yrs to try again. I’m so afraid we waited too long. It’s been 8 months, but we’ve started testing since I’m almost 35. Found out I’m at the lower end for my ovarian reserve and my hubby has issues, too. Every month is like a roller coaster and I get so angry with myself for being an emotional basketcase. I just want to be a good mom to my son so I try not to let it consume me, but its heartbreaking. If we don’t succeed this month I have to have the HCG test and an IUI. We have a high deductible insurance plan so have been paying for everything. I know couples have tried for a lot longer than us, but it’s the not knowing if it will ever happen again that is tearing me up. I’ve started to tell family a little because I can’t take the “You need to have another one now” comments.
Chelsea Johnson says
I know exactly what you mean. It’s not something people really talk about. Even when we were going through it, I didn’t feel like I could talk to any of my friends about it. You should definitely let your family know what you are going through. People who haven’t experienced it don’t know they can’t say things like that. I’m so sorry you have to experience it. Good luck, and I hope it happens again for you!
Lisa Rusczyk says
Thank you for sharing. Having a baby was the hardest thing in my life too. But worth it for eternity! I just wish it was easier ;).
Chelsea Johnson says
You’re welcome! It’s definitely worth it. And yeah, it’s so hard.
Caroline @ In Due Time says
Thanks so much for sharing your story!!!
Chelsea Johnson says
You’re welcome 🙂 I hope it helps others know they aren’t alone
Hannah says
I can’t thank you enough for writing this post. Every single word spoke to me as I cried my way through the article. I am only 24, but my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year. We are on our 12th cycle of clomid and still nothing. My doctor finally decided IUI was our route to go after testing my husband. This month I still have not ovulated, even with Clomid. In all the time we have been trying, this has been the hardest month.
I have read hundreds and hundreds of articles, but this one speaks to me the most. Thank you for not giving up hope and thank you for getting me through another night <3
Chelsea Johnson says
Hannah, I am so sorry! I would never wish that upon anybody. It is so hard, but I promise you aren’t alone. I am glad I was able to help. If you ever need someone to talk to, you are welcome to send me an email!
Susie (Busy Toddler) says
Oh friend, I just saw this through a pin! I have walked in these shoes. Took us 4 years, 5 IVfs, and a whole lot of prayers to bring our Sam into the world. It was the longest, most exhausted, but most worth while experience of my life. It is simply indescribable. The going thought is that Sam rest my hormone issues because less than a year later I was surprise pregnant with Kate. Still a miracle in her own right because my husband was 1/2 the fertility problem too (when it rains it pours!). So much love to you! This is so beautifully written!
Chelsea Johnson says
Thanks, Susie! Your kids are so cute, and I’m glad that you were able to get them here!
Kaitlyn says
My husband and I have been married for 3 years and 2 months but we have been trying to get pregnant for 3 years this month and it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am not very regular so missing my monthly isn’t something that makes me think maybe I am pregnant. It is hard knowing that I may not have a child now or ever. Reading this made me feel better though. My husband is very supportive of me and makes me feel happy and every time I cry he is always there but he doesn’t understand the hurt I feel inside. I only just found your page tonight on pinterest and I have to say that you are a blessing.
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m so sorry, Kaitlyn. It helps a lot to have a supportive husband, and I’m glad that you have him by your side. Remembering that you are both in it together definitely helps get you through it. I am glad I was able to help bring some comfort to you, and I hope that things change for you soon 🙂
Monica @ PlacidWay says
I am married for 4 years and we are trying to get pregnant for 4 years, we already had our 1st IVF and it was a failure. My doctor collected 15 eggs, 3 were okay but after 3 months of waiting it’s negative. It was really devastating but thanks that my husband is always thinking positive. Now we are planning to try it again, thanks for this post somehow I can feel that this time it will be a successful one!
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m so sorry, Monica. It’s the worst. I hope that you can stay positive and have success soon! Good luck!
Amanada Miller says
Hey, great share….
Thanks for sharing your heartwarming story. I can understand what a woman goes through because of infertility. I also went through same phase.We were devastated when we found out our only chance for success was through IVF. We did a total of 6 cycles before achieving our family. We now have a 4 year old daughter.
I happy for you as well. Eventually you got your little baby after going through all the hardships.
God bless you and your baby!!
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m glad you got your little girl, too!!
Callia says
I’m very lucky to bump into one of your great posts. I have learned so much from it and will be sure to share it. Looking forward to your next post. Keep on making these kinds of awesome posts.
Chelsea Johnson says
Thanks, Callia!
Christina says
It’s unfortunate that your experience was so emotionally draining. Your ending quote definitely puts a positive spin on this whole ordeal.
Chelsea Johnson says
Thanks, Christina. I think it’s emotionally draining for anyone going through it.