Making a Baby is the Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done: Our struggle with infertility and why you should never give up hope
Many women grow up dreaming of becoming a mother. But nobody tells you how hard it is to make a baby. Before you get the wrong idea, I want to tell you that I am not talking about sex. I am talking about the process of getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and being pregnant. Making a baby is by far, the hardest thing I have ever done. This isn’t something I have shared with many people because it’s not really something you broadcast. I also don’t want you to think that I am complaining about how long it took us to get pregnant. Lots of people aren’t able to get pregnant due to physical reasons, and I am very blessed that in the end, I was blessed with a pregnancy. I just want to share so that if you are struggling with infertility and trying to make a baby, you won’t feel alone. I want to help others feel peace during one of the hardest things they may ever experience.
When the Mister and I got married, I had been on birth control for a few months. I took the pill for about a year before I stopped taking it and we started trying to get pregnant. I knew I wanted to be a mother, so I was attempting to get the Mister on board only a few months after we had gotten married. Having a baby is a big decision, and the timing is different for everyone. We prayed a lot and talked about it and really took it seriously. When we finally felt that we were ready to start our family, we started trying to get pregnant. It took us 15 months of trying, plus recording basal body temperatures, using ovulation predictors, fertility counseling, several doctor visits, tests for both the Mister and for me, a round of ovulation medication, and an IUI before I finally got pregnant.
Trying to get pregnant for us was physically demanding because of all the things we had to do, but it was mostly hard because how emotionally draining it was. I felt like each month I was on a roller coaster. I got so excited when I was ovulating and the hope that maybe this time it would happen. Then it would all come crashing down with a negative test and my period each month. Fifteen months we went through that. I don’t even know how much money we spent on pregnancy tests. We could have just waited to find out if I missed my period each month before testing, but anyone who has ever tried to get pregnant knows how eager you are to find out if you are going to be parents this time. I spent a lot of days and nights crying because it still wasn’t happening.
For the first two years we were married we lived in Provo, Utah, where we were both attending Brigham Young University. So for almost the entire time we were trying to get pregnant, we attended church in a married student ward where every other girl was getting pregnant and having a baby. I am not saying that it is bad that a lot of young LDS couples want to start families quickly. We did, too. It just makes it ten times harder when it seems like all of your friends are getting pregnant and you keep seeing negative pregnancy tests. And since infertility isn’t really a happy or accepted thing to talk about, you just suffer through it together with your husband while everyone else is being blessed with the one thing you want most in the world.
After several months of trying, you start to wonder what is wrong with you and what you might be doing wrong. You wonder if you will ever become parents and you start seriously thinking about expensive fertility treatments. It is really painful and it starts to consume you. You can’t think of anything else. But you just push through and try to keep hoping that your prayers will be answered.
And you know what? They will be. I guess the whole point of writing this is to remind people who are going through it that one day, you will become a parent. Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will become a mother or a father. If you aren’t struggling with infertility, this is to remind you that it is way more common than you think. Don’t ask people who have been married for a few years when they are going to have kids because while they might casually play it off, inside they are hurting and wish they could tell you.
One of the most important things that got the Mister and me through this hard time was to have faith in the Lord’s timing. He knows exactly what is best for us and when it will be best for us. The hardest thing for us is to have faith in Him. “For ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith” (Ether 12:6). Sometimes it just takes longer than anticipated.
For some people, making a baby will be easy. It may even come as a surprise. They will have other trials in their lives that they will have to deal with. For me, making a baby was the hardest thing I have ever done. Remember that you are not alone. I have heard studies report one in ten couples struggle up to one in six couples. People just never talk about it so you never really know who around you might also be dealing with it. If you are one of the people trying to make a baby and you feel like you just keep failing, remember to never give up. Keep trying. And if after a year you still haven’t gotten pregnant, get help.
Because no matter how hard it is, how discouraged or emotionally drained you feel, I promise, it is all worth it.
Shelly says
Thank you for this. While reading this is felt like I wrote it. My husband and I have been trying for 7months now, we thought we were successful until we found out it was just a blieted ovum and we had to go through the process of miscarriage. But we promised each other we would not give up. I just worry because I will be 32 next month!!
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m so sorry! Don’t give up 🙂 32 is DEFINITELY not too late to have a baby!! I know people much older who are trying!
Carissa Dore says
Thank u so much for sharing this story. This is really heart touching.. This is the start of an incredible journey..
Chelsea Johnson says
You’re welcome, Carissa. Our story definitely has had a happy ending 🙂
McKenzie says
Great post, and thank you for sharing this story. Sometimes it is a hard journey, but it sounds like it was worth it!
Chelsea Johnson says
Thank you! Yes, it was definitely worth it 🙂
Dixie says
One of the hardest things someone ever said to me was, “Well, it’s fun trying!” No, mo it’s not fun trying when every month you are not pregnant! It is so hard. Miscarriage after miscarriage, and month after month of nothing. No, trying isn’t fun when all you want is a baby and you don’t get one. However, the glorious gift of a child is worth it all! We only have 1 miracle baby, and it hurts each time someone asks, “Is she your only?” Or “Why don’t you have more kids?” These comments aren’t meant to hurt, but they cut deep. Just don’t ask, unless you know their struggles, and then just offer encouragement.
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m so sorry! It’s hard. You absolutely should never ask someone, and definitely don’t comment on it, even if you think it’s in a light-hearted way!
Jamie says
15months is not considered infertility. 12 months is considered entirely normal for even a perfectly healthy couple. I only wish it had taken 3 months beyond “normal” to conceive.
Hundreds of thousands of dollars and 6yrs. Still no baby.
Chelsea Johnson says
If you don’t get pregnant after 12 months of trying, you are considered clinically infertile. I’m sorry that you are still struggling and I wish you the best of luck.
Joanna says
I’m so thankful I saw this post today from Pinterest. My husband and I have been struggling for almost a year so far with my diagnosis of PCOS and infertility. Starting on clomid next cycle. So many emotional days. Trying to be hopeful through it all, so I really appreciate when you said ‘whether it happens through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a parent someday’. So true. God has the ultimate plan. And it will be worth it. Thank you for the encouragement.
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. It’s so, so hard. We have friends who had a diagnosis of PCOS and after a few years and IVF, they now have two beautiful twins! Whatever happens, it will work out! Just have faith!
Dest says
This is the best thing I have ever read!! My husband & I have been trying for a little over 2 years and have had no luck. All our friends & some family are becoming pregnant that it is so emotionally draining for us. This post made me feel we were not alone! Prayers one day we will be able to make this dream a reality❤️
Chelsea Johnson says
Oh man, I am so sorry you’re going through this! It sucks so much. I hope you guys stay strong and things work out for you soon!
Megan says
I cannot thank you enough for writing this, and then publishing it. How difficult that must have been, to relive each moment and then to share with the world. My husband and I are on that same roller coaster right now and to be honest, I feel like I’m overreacting each month when the negative test shows and the tears flow. Or when we are around my family, whom I love with every ounce of my being, and all of my cousins have children and many are currently pregnant again. I left Christmas Day early, sobbing, because my cousin said “Just be thankful to be able to sit still” when one of the kids didn’t want help from me. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to be exhausted and chasing after a little. I know she meant no harm by the comment but boy, oh boy, did it ever hit me hard. I know we are not the only married couple dealing with infertility but I have felt so incredibly alone until now. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. God Bless.
Chelsea Johnson says
I’m so, so sorry, Megan! It is such a hard thing to go through, and people really don’t understand it unless they’ve gone through it themselves. I hope that things turn around for you soon, and you’re welcome! You definitely aren’t alone!!
Morgan says
15 months… try nine years and counting… and 6 losses
Chelsea Johnson says
Morgan, I can’t even imagine. I am so sorry, and I hope one day you’ll hold your sweet baby in your arms!